(That includes drummers, which is our first joke!) We couldn’t come up with anything mind-shattering or otherwise incredibly relevant in this announcement, so we filled it with bad musician jokes we’ve collected over the years. Got a good/bad one? Send it to: news@MusiciansContact.com

And now, in no particular order:

• What’s the difference between a puppy and a singer? Eventually the puppy stops whining.
• How do you know that a singer is at your door? They can’t find the key.
• How many bassists are needed to screw in a light bulb? None, the keyboardist does it with his left hand.
• What do a guitarist and a lawsuit have in common? Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
• Two musicians are sitting in a car. Who’s driving? The policeman.
• What is a relative minor? A country western musicians’ girlfriend.
• Difference between a singer and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.
• Difference between guitarist and a horn player? Guitarist can yell at the band during his solo.
• Young boy to his mom “When I grow up I’d like to be a musician”. She says, “Now Tommy, you know you can’t do both”.
• Difference between a violin and a viola? None, the violin just looks smaller because the violinist’s head is so much bigger.
• What is the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher? They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
• Conductor: A musician who is adept at following many people at the same time.
• What do you call a keyboardist who had 3 keyboards but now has only one? Divorced.
• Unusual sight: Guitarist with an amp which has a volume knob with the numbers 5 or lower.
• What happened when the bass player locked his keys in the car? It took the drummer an hour to get out.
• How many singers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One, they just hold the bulb and the whole world revolves around them.
• Why do bagpipe players walk while they play? To get away from the noise.
• When will a musician never leave the stage? When he hears the announcement “Would the owner of the Porsche please turn your headlights off”.
• How is a standup bass like elderly parents? Both are hard to get in and out of cars.
• How to make a million dollars playing music? Start with two million.
• What do you call a beautiful woman on a musicians’ arm? A tattoo.
• Difference between a conductor and a bag of manure? The bag.
• What happens if you play blues or country backwards? Your wife returns, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.
• What is a musician called who only knows 3 chords? A music critic.
• How do you keep your guitar from being stolen? Put it in a tuba case.
• What’s the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner? You have to plug one in before it sucks.
• The difference between a bull and a lead singer fronting a brass band? The bull has the horns in front and the ass in the rear.
• How many Grateful Deadheads does it take to change a lightbulb? 12,001. One to change it, 2.000 to record the event and take pictures, and 10,000 to follow it around until it burns out.
• How do you know when a guitarist parks in a handicapped spot? There’s a capo draped on the rear view mirror.
• A guitarist goes to deepest Africa and hears constant distant drumming, so he asks what it means. “When drumming stops, bad thing will happen” he is told. The drumming still goes on and then finally stops. “What happens now?’ he asks in terror. “Bass solo!”
• How many female vocalists to screw in a lightbulb? Four, one to change it and 3 to pull the chair out from under her.
• What do you get when you play New Age music backwards? New Age music.
• How do you make a musician complain? Give him a gig. How do you make him complain more? Give him a raise.
• What’s the difference between a violin and a fiddle? A violin has strings, a fiddle has strangs.
• How do you get a musician off your front porch? Pay him for the pizza.
• I’ve been thinking about giving up the music business entirely, and becoming a drummer.
• What’s worse than a piano out of tune? An organ that goes flat in the middle of a piece.

…these could go on forever but this is it…

Female vocalist asks her pianist, ‘I’d like to do My Funny Valentine again tonight, but can you think of a way to jazz it up? Pianist says, “Sure, we can do the first chorus in G minor, then modulate to G# minor for the second chorus in 5/4 time, then modulate to A minor for the bridge, then cut off the last 3 bars”. She says, “Wouldn’t that be too complicated without a rehearsal?” The pianist replies, “Not really, that’s how you sang it last night!”.